Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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