When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
