It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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