Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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