Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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