I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
