Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
