I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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