On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
