i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
