im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The ass gains better be worth it
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