Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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