Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
