hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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