my phone needs a breathalizer
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
