Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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