great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
