I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
