don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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