I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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