what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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