i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
