I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
