How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
