so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
