if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
