can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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