I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
