guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
