Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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