Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
