just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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