so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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