Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Blood and glitter go together right?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
