i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
