i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
