I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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