Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
