omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
