3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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