moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
