Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
