guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
