So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
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I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
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Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I still have a little drunk in my system
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