Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
