I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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