my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
