you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
