That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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