Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
