We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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