Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
