Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
