I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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