i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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