My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
