just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no. you can't hotbox the world.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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